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  • Writer's pictureDana Starr

Fifty Shades of Crap

SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX. It's all I can think about today. Why? Why do I have sex on the brain?

There's an easy answer to that question, and the answer is (wait for it) because the sexy NBC anchorman (with the dreamy blue eyes, chiseled jaw, and head full of caramel-colored hair) just told me that Lamar Odom spent in excess of $75,000 at the Bunny Ranch before he lapsed into a coma. SERIOUSLY????? You can buy a whole house for $75,000. You can buy like three pretty decent new cars for $75,000, and you can probably buy a couple of boats for that much money; although, I don't know that much about boats.

If you're asking yourself "Who is Lamar Odom and what is the Bunny Ranch?" then you probably should just quit reading this right now because the learning curve is just too steep. Yes, Mom, I'm talking to you. MMMMkay, if you're still reading this, and you're not my mom, then can we just agree that spending $75,000.00 on sex is probably $74,990.00 too much. Am I wrong? I could be wrong. I don't think I'm wrong, but I'm open to the possibility because I'm not exactly an expert on this topic. What I know about the Bunny Ranch, I learned from watching HBO in the middle of the night. I've seen several Bunny Ranch episodes over the years when my menopausal insomnia has made it impossible to sleep. I ain't gonna lie, watching TV at 3 in the morning is kind of like watching a train wreck. You know you shouldn't be looking, but you just can't help it. Anyway, from what I can tell, the Bunny Ranch is basically several old trailer houses out in the freaking middle of nowhere in Nevada. I think I noticed some shag carpeting in one of the episodes, and that should give you a pretty good idea of what we're talking about here. I mean, we're not talking about a five-star rated resort, mmmmkay. Also, I know there's a bar because that's usually where the "fun" begins, but even if you factor in the cost of buying a few drinks, I still can't fathom how you could possibly spend $75,000. Oh yeah, I also remember that there's a hot tub out back of one of the trailers. I remember this because I was completely appalled at the notion of paying money to sit in scummy, scalding hot water with strangers. I can sit in my own bathtub for free, thank you.

My favorite person on the show is the lady who "manages" the ranch. I suppose she would be considered "The Madam" but, here again, I'm straying into territory of which I know very little. I'm not sure why I like her, and I can't remember her name, but she seems more than slightly embarrassed about the whole thing. She's an older woman, and she ain't skinny but she's the boss and she takes no shit, not even from Air Force Amy. Who is Air Force Amy? Oh, she's a force to be reckoned with. There is not one "real" thing about her (including her boobs) but she makes no apologies. She's a character, literally and figuratively, and she makes more money than God. Most of the other women are jealous of her, and her ability to rake in the big bucks. You know how bitches can be, but Amy ain't losin' no sleep. There's also a little person on the show. I admire her, because she doesn't let her small stature stand in the way. All of the women on the show (including the little person) wear HIGH, HIGH heels and I worry about them turning an ankle, but I suppose there's way worse things that could, and probably have, happened to them, but I digress. The point of my rambling is that I can't figure out what would possibly be worth $75,000. If I'm paying a person $75,000 then that person better be remodeling my house, or saving my life by performing open-heart surgery on me, or something equally as important.

For $75,000, I damn sure better get more than I got when I finally broke down and bought Fifty Shades of Grey. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but my buddies finally got to me. All of them, with very few exceptions, insisted that I needed to read it. I held out for as long as I could, but about six months ago, in a fit of boredom while waiting on a flight, I meandered into Hudson News and plunked down 16 bucks and some change on that damn book. I made it to page 49 before falling sound ass asleep in the airport. I damn near missed my flight. The only thing interesting about that book is that in Murica, we spell gray with an a; in England they spell it with an e, and if it's a proper noun, such as in a person's name, then it can be an a or an e. Now, ain't that interesting??? Okay, maybe it's not quite as interesting as S & M, but S & M brings back bad memories for me. Why is that? I'll tell ya why. It's because in the 7th grade, at Seminole Junior High School, I forgot my PE uniform one time too many to suit Coach Fitts, and he beat my butt with a paddle made expressly for that purpose. There wasn't nuthin sexy about it. I attempted to explain that the horizontal stripes in the ugly uniform weren't flattering, but he wasn't buying it. Yes, I endured a beat down for the sake of fashion. Coco Chanel rolled over in her grave.

Hey, speaking of books. Did you see the feature on Erica Jong this morning on CBS News Sunday Morning with Charles Osgood? It was interesting. Erica is now 73 and still feisty. She wrote Fear of Flying back in the day. My mom, the woman NOT reading this, owned that book; when home alone, I would sneak the book out of a drawer in her bedside table, and read it until right before I knew she would be home. Then, I would frantically put it back in her drawer and just be sitting in my room doing my homework, all innocent, when she walked in the door. I didn't enjoy the book as much as I enjoyed the sneaking. Erica has now written Fear of Dying, and if that's not the most depressing thing you've ever heard then I'll give you $75,000.

While writing this, I've watched no less than three Viagra/Cialis commercials. SIGH. I just don't even know what to say. I do have one question, though. What does a woman sitting in a bathtub, and a man sitting in a separate bathtub have to do with anything? At least they are sitting in their own scummy, scalding hot water.

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