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  • Writer's pictureDana Starr

Ain't That Some BS

I have so many First World problems:

Knock it off menopause

I don't want to be a man; I really, really don't, so why am I turning into one? I've shaved my legs and pits my entire life. Is that not enough? Must I now start shaving/plucking/waxing/sandpapering my face every day. I've always admired a nice, well-groomed mustache/beard on a dude, but that doesn't mean that I want a nice, well-groomed mustache/beard on my own face.

Knock it off Market Street

The Spousal Unit would like to have a dream vacation home, so he's playing the Monopoly game offered by our favorite grocery store, Market Street, in an effort to win a $500,000 vacation home. He's constantly bugging me to help him lick the game pieces. I ain't lickin' nothin' because I'm too busy shaving my face. That's some BS, but I still hope he lets me visit his dream vacation home when he wins. Do you think people in the Third World sit around and lick game pieces? No, they don't; they're too busy just trying to stay alive. Plus, you know all this game crap is one of the reasons we are paying eleventy hundred dollars for a bag of Funyuns. AND, Market Street employees need to stop being so nice and chatty, and asking me annoying questions like: How are you today? I'm in a hurry to get home, take my bra off, shave my beard, and eat Funyuns, so can we just not?

Knock it off calories

Feeling guilty about eating all the Funyuns, I eat nothing but five grapes in 48 hours and I'm up three pounds. Now that's some BS.

Knock it off old age

In March, I have to have a mammogram, pap smear, AND colonoscopy. Can you say BS? I will have NO dignity left at the end of March, not that I have a lot of it to start with.

Knock it off vanity

Another thing I have to do in March: get a haircut. For most people, this would be no big deal; however, my hairstylist is so scary and so expensive. He's an old queen who is on his period pretty much 24/7. He reminds me a lot of the Soup Nazi from Seinfeld. It doesn't really matter though because he cuts my hair like a boss, so I'm grateful to put up with his BS. I don't even care if he's a bitch because he's the Hair Whisperer.

Knock it off technology

The DVR disappeared seven episodes of Homeland. WTF???? Ain't that some BS? The show is hard enough to understand without missing SEVEN episodes.

Knock it off old men

Here's a picture of The Donald, 69-years-old, and his wife who is 45-years-old. I'm no math genius, but I believe that's about a 24 year age difference, and that's just so gross in my opinion. How refreshing would it be to see a powerful, rich, famous man marry a woman his own age? Of course, the current Mrs. Trump is getting a little long in the tooth for him, and will have to start shaving/waxing/plucking/sandpapering her face soon, so who knows how long she'll be around because he likes em young. Can you just imagine these two as our president and first lady? That's some double BS.

Knock it off Kanye

Just like with The Donald, I just can't with this douchebag. Kanye (and to a slightly lesser degree) Kim: please, please, please get over yourselves because I can't handle your BS. I enjoy writing this dumb blog; however, I do not for one second consider myself to be William Shakespeare or Harper Lee or Virginia Woolf. Kanye, I'm not brilliant, and neither are you. At least Kanye and Kim are close to the same age, for what it's worth.

Knock it off books

Do you remember back in the day when you could buy ONE book with a beginning, middle, and end??? I know it's hard to think back that far, but there was a time when books weren't series.

Don't get me wrong; I love me some Katniss Everdeen, but three books to tell one story is BS.

Knock it off hoarder

The Spousal Unit informed me, in all seriousness, that he intends to purchase more accordion file folders for his organizational needs. Seriously??? He already owns 38 accordion file folders which he keeps on the floor of our shared closet. At this point, I can't even get to my clothes without climbing over a mountain of accordion file folders. I'd like to change clothes at some point in the distant future, so this organizational compulsion is some BS. Plus, if he spends more money on more expensive accordion file folders then I won't have money for razors and Funyuns and that's BS. The File Whisperer can move all his damn accordion file folders to his dream vacation home just as soon as he licks all the winning game pieces by himself.

There ya have it. Another award winning Top Ten List of BS. Y'all have a happy Sunday!

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