My entire life has basically been about accomplishing two things. The first thing is finding THE PERFECT COUCH. Once upon a time, I owned THE PERFECT COUCH. It belonged to The Spousal Unit when he and I got hitched 35 years ago. It was green and white and huge and the most comfortable thing I've ever sat/slouched/napped/drooled/ate on in my life. We owned THE PERFECT COUCH for several years, but at some point I grew tired of it and that's when I made the biggest mistake of my life. I waited until The Spousal Unit went out of town on business and I sold THE PERFECT COUCH for like $15 at a garage sale. I've been searching for THE PERFECT COUCH ever since that day to no avail.
The second thing is finding THE PERFECT HAIRSTYLE. This has been a life-long project, and success has eluded me at every turn. A few days ago, I got a haircut. No big deal. I've been getting haircuts all my life. OH MY GAWD. I have no hair left. This was mos def the second biggest mistake of my life. It's hideous AND I paid big bucks for it AND I gave the "stylist" a 15% tip because I'm a dumb bitch WITH NO HAIR. Consequently, I can't leave the house and subject innocent people to this monstrosity for at least two months. That means I have tons of free time on my hands. I decided to make use of some of that free time this evening by compiling a top ten list of my most noteworthy hairstyles through the decades. You probably already know of my love for top ten lists so this should come as no surprise to you. Here we go:
THE BALD YEARS
I was about five-months-old in this picture and basically bald. I'm basically bald now, but I weigh a lot more; however, I no longer drool or poop on myself.
I don't even know where to start. I must have been about seven-years-old here. Did I cut my own bangs? I mean, I know I have a reputation for being cheap but was I really worried about saving money at seven? And, what's up with my left ear? Do I have a right ear? Who had the bright idea to pin a bow on this hot mess?
The Wonder Years
Okay, this just makes me want to hug her to death. I'm thinking this was the 6th grade class picture and that means only one thing (wait for it) KENT HILL. I had a HUGE crush on Kent Hill, and I actually thought I had a chance with him while looking like this. First of all, braces would have been an excellent idea. Did this occur to no one in my family? Secondly, a good conditioner would have worked wonders on my super thin hair. Thirdly, who the hell picked out those glasses?
I Invented the Mullet
I have no idea how old I was in this picture, probably around 13-years-old. Anyhoo, Kent Hill had already broken my heart so whatever. If I was 13 then it would've been 1973 or 74. When was the mullet invented? I don't know, but I'm gonna google it one of these days. Yes, I'm playing the piano. Yes, that's my room. My interior design skills were so on point. I had a crushed red velvet bedspread and I used pink and orange as accent colors. I'm wearing Barry Billingsley's ID bracelet, in the picture, because we were going steady so Kent Hill can suck it.
Thank God for Kleenex
This was 8th grade prom. My mom let me skip afternoon classes to get my hair did. I remember the beauty operator used an entire can of Aquanet on my helmet hairdo. I had little spit curls in front of both ears and a stylish pink ribbon pinned to the back of my head with about eleventy hundred bobby pins. Barry Billingsley was out of the picture at this point. Darrell Whitfield accompanied me to the big event. We were driven by his mom, and his mom even bought a beautiful corsage for him to give me. I must apologize to Darrell for being such a little bitch to him. I wouldn't allow him to be in the picture with me, and I probably didn't say more than five words to him the entire night because he wasn't Kent Hill. I'm not sure where my mom got the dress or how she afforded it, but I thought I was gorgeous in it. If you'll notice, I didn't fill out the bustline at that point in my life. It would've been completely concave had I not stuffed my bra with an entire box of Kleenex. Kent Hill eat your heart out.
The Infamous Permanent Incident
I cried buckets and buckets of tears my senior year of high school because of the episode that will forever be known as The Infamous Permanent Incident. "I want thick hair," I said. "Oh, get a permanent," my mom said. "I want a little body in my hair," I said. "Oh, get a permanent," my mom said again. "Will it look beautiful?" I asked my mom. "Of course it will," she said. IT SO DIDN'T. Someday, I will forgive her but not yet.
The Bridal 'Do
I was rockin' the bangs and the cake on January 11, 1980 when I said "I do" to The Spousal Unit. I remember really stressing over my hair that day because the wind was blowing eleventy hundred mph. Also, the veil was heavy and didn't want to stay in place; however, if ya ask me my hair was really on fleek in this picture. In all honesty, that was probably the last time my hair looked that good.
The Mommy Years
I swear that on March 8, 1982 (the day after my first child, Chris, was born) I pulled the rubber band off of the newspaper and used it to put my dark brown hair in a ponytail. I wore that same ponytail through the birth of my second child, Andrew, six years later and beyond. That ponytail worked for me through tons of dirty diapers, snotty noses, skinned knees, and Little League baseball games. Lots and lots and lots of baseball games.
I think this picture was probably taken in 2002 which means I was 42-years-old and trying to be blonde. I wasn't blonde. I was very gray at this point. I used to color my hair all the time because I started going gray very young. I was only 35 the first time I was offered the senior citizen discount at Furr's Cafeteria. Of course, I took it because I'm cheap.
The Grandma Years
I have no idea when this picture was taken. Apparently, I never felt the need to write a date on the back of any picture. Anyhoo, it was taken several years after my blonde phase. I'm lookin' pretty salt and pepper because I've given up coloring my hair at this point. I'm also lookin' pretty grandmotherly even though I'm not an actual grandmother yet. HINT, HINT.
One More for the Road
Okay, okay you've already seen ten awesome pictures of my not-so-awesome hair, but I decided to include a bonus picture because HOT ELECTRIC ROLLERS. OMG ... I loved my hot electric rollers. I could achieve body and bounce in about 15 minutes. I could never use a curling iron worth a flip, but I could work magic with my rollers. I got them from Sears, and used them for decades and decades because I'm cheap. I'd give anything if I still had those rollers, but you guessed it ... I sold them in a garage sale a few years ago. Of course, it doesn't really matter now because I HAVE NO HAIR TO ROLL.
Just think, if it weren't for garage sales my life would be awesome. I'd be sitting on my perfect green and white couch typing this blog with perfect shiny, bouncy, long hair. Oh well, see ya in a couple of months.