Happy New Year From This Cranky Bitch

January 1, 2016

It's New Year's Eve and I could NOT care less. If the entire cast of The Walking Dead, and most especially Norman Reedus who plays Daryl Dixon, was partying across the street, I wouldn't get off this couch and put on a bra and walk over. I don't understand the big deal about tonight, and I really don't understand the big deal about tomorrow. 

 

 

First of all, it's Thursday night. I'm sorry, I don't want to party on a Thursday night. God created Thursday nights for us to do laundry, floss our teeth, maybe read a chapter or two of The Girl on the Train and freaking GO TO BED. Am I right? I think I'm right.

 

You know what I'm doing right now? I'm watching some really crappy TV while I'm writing this really crappy blog. Why does all the TV entertainment on New Year's Eve have to suck so hard??? Given the choice between watching Ryan Seacrest (and a bunch of other "celebrities") pretending to have fun or cleaning the grout in my master bathroom, why don't you just go ahead and hand me the scrub brush and Clorox right now. The only thing worse than doing what I'm doing  would be standing in Times Square with a million of my closest friends. I mean, at least I'm sitting down AND I'm not wearing a bra or pants. If I was in Times Square, I'd prolly be wearing a bra and pants. I'd also be eating at the Times Square Olive Garden for $400. Yep, you read that right ... $400 for a meal at Olive Garden this evening. For that kind of money, they damn sure better bring me more than one breadstick.

 

And, what happens at midnight? No, seriously, I'm actually asking you what happens at midnight because I've never stayed awake until midnight on New Year's Eve, so I don't know what happens. Does Dick Clark rise from the dead? Does Caitlyn Jenner turn back into a man? Does Daryl Dixon walk across the street and lay a big, fat, juicy one on my lips?

 

That brings us to New Year's Day AKA Friday, January 1, 2016. What is special about that? It's the start of a brand new year, I know, but again, why is that special? Well, okay, it's kind of special because the gym will be closed which means that I don't have to go AND I don't have to feel guilty about not going. Also, we won't get any mail so I won't have to bother going through it and throwing most of it in the trash. Other than those things, I can't for the life of me figure out what is special about the first day of the new year. Oh yeah, there's also something about a parade. If there's anything worse than standing in Times Square and watching a "ball" drop it would be standing on the sidewalk and watching a parade crawl by. I know, I know, I'm being a cranky bitch, but that's because I am a cranky bitch.

 

I haven't even mentioned making resolutions. If you are the type person who makes resolutions then you must hate me. Resolutions are so damn dumb. I'm NOT going to lose weight. I'm NOT going to stop cussing. I'm NOT going to learn a new language. I'm NOT going to play the French horn. If you intend to lose weight, not cuss, learn a new language, and play the French horn then good for you. I'm happy for you, but can't you do those things on February 3 or May 25 or October 1 or December 12?????

 

I need to wrap this up because I don't want to miss Iggy Azalea lip synching on TV. It's going to be so special, just like the holiday itself. Happy New Year, kids.

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