Top Thirteen Things That Ain't Sexy and/or Romantic

13. Feeding each other AIN'T sexy because we're not babies.

I'll use my own fork; thank you.

12. Dancing AIN'T sexy; at least, not when I do it.

Play that funky music, white boy.

11. A giant four-and-a-half foot teddy bear AIN'T sexy. A giant bank account is. Bahahahahaha, I'm kiddin', kinda. After all, how else do you account for the fact that Donald Trump has been married three times?

I just can't with this nonsense.

10. Sharing my barrel of popcorn with my significant other at the movies AIN'T romantic; it's cheap.

I don't share. Seriously, get your own barrel.

9. Water and whoopee don't mix and AIN'T sexy; that includes: hot tubs (gross), bathtub (not enough room/uncomfortable/I can scrub my own back, thank you), shower (again, not enough room/uncomfortable/potentially dangerous), swimming pool (just like the hot tub), ocean (seaweed/sharks), rain (pneumonia).

No; just no. As I said in #10; I don't share, and that goes for bathtubs too.

8. Having a picnic in a field of wildflowers AIN'T romantic. First of all, I don't do outdoors because it's too outdoorsy. Secondly, I don't sit on the ground because it's the ground. Thirdly, insects: bees/ants.

As I already said in #10 and 9, I don't share, and that includes with ants.

7. The beach AIN'T sexy because sand, and it's outdoors.

Have you ever had to clean sand out of a crevice ... on your body?

6. Skimpy lingerie because a thong AIN'T sexy.

Have you ever had to dig a thong out of your butt?

5. Public displays of affection AIN'T sexy, unless you're at the airport to pick up your significant other; I'll give ya a pass in that case. Here's the last scene, filmed in an airport, from one of my favorite movies, Love Actually.

If you just watched that clip, I know you have a smile on your face right now.

4. Fake sex (on Skinemax AKA Cinemax) AIN'T sexy, but it can be very funny just like this scene from one of my all time favorite movies, When Harry Met Sally.

Fake anything ain't sexy: boobs, hair, personality.

3. Hotel rooms AIN'T romantic because germs and bed bugs and other stuff I'm not going to mention.

I know it's hard to see, but there's a LARGE stain, and several smaller stains on this bedspread in a not cheap hotel. I know for a fact that bedspreads NEVER get cleaned. And, DON'T touch the TV remote control unless you want to die.

2. My neck AIN'T sexy. I have old lady neck, and it makes me sad.

Actually, I have old lady body. My neck is the very least of it, but for some reason, I fixate on my neck. Oh, and also on my thighs (which touch), and my flabby (bat wing) upper arms, but y'all don't need to see that nastiness; however, baby got back. Kim K. ain't got nuthin on me, AND The Spousal Unit still loves me even with old lady neck.

1. Fifty Shades of Grey AIN'T sexy; it's dumb as hell, and dumb AIN'T sexy.

Here's a couple of random sentences from the book, this garbage can be found on page 325: unbuckling the cuffs, he frees my hands, and we both sink to the floor. He pulls me into his lap, cradling me, and I lean my head against his chest.

Okay, I just threw up a little in my mouth. Let's move on to MUCH better things.

Top Ten Things That ARE Sexy and/or Romantic

10. This was sexy when I was 12.

I was supposed to be Mrs. Donny Osmond.

9. They are fully clothed, but this is sexy as hell, waaaay sexier than fake sex.

Robert Redford washing my hair, and then rinsing with warm water he heated over a fire while on safari in the darkest heart of Africa. SIGH.

8. The romance in this scene from The English Patient just makes me swoon.

Once again, please take note: they're fully clothed.

7. Mr. Carson and Mrs. Hughes are now Mr. and Mrs. Carson and that's hella ROMANTIC.

Now that's what I'm talkin' about: years of unrequited love, with a little angst mixed in, resulting in this.

6. The song, Nessun Dorma, is arguably the most romantic song ever.

Here's an example of some of the lyrics: watch the stars that tremble with love and with hope. On your mouth I will tell it when the light shines. And my kiss will dissolve the silence that makes you mine. Now, here's an example of some of the lyrics of today, courtesy of Lil Wayne: I just slap you a couple of times, never fight it girl. That's cause I likes it girl. And let me tell you somethin' girl, I am a player girl. So don't you try to play me cause I never save a girl. Do me a favor girl, and wet the spot girl. And after you back it up, drop it like it's hot girl.

Need I say more?

5. A man being a good (actively involved) daddy is so sexy.

Coaching Little League in 95 degree heat ain't always fun; being the Cub Scout den leader for eight little boys who won't stop picking their noses can be a real drag; cleaning vomit off the floor at 3 in the morning when your kid has the stomach flu is not exciting, but all those things are real and a real daddy, biological or not, does those things with love. The man I married did those things. Need I say more?

4. Death ain't romantic; I know that, but this scene from Battlestar Galactica gave me ALL the feels.

I can't; I just can't with this.

3. This is not only sexy, it's romantic to boot. The fastest way to my heart is to give me chocolate; however, cleaning the toilets will also work.

And if you really want to put the icing on that cake, do a load of laundry, clean out the garage, and sweep the floors while you're at it.

2. I've already told you about a not sexy/not romantic book. Well, here's a sexy/romantic book:

The romantic scene listed as #8 was taken from the movie made of this book. Here's a couple of my favorite quotes from the book: “We die containing a richness of lovers and tribes, tastes we have swallowed, bodies we have plunged into and swum up as if rivers of wisdom, characters we have climbed into as if trees, fears we have hidden in as if caves. I wish for all this to be marked on my body when I am dead. I believe in such cartography - to be marked by nature, not just to label ourselves on a map like the names of rich men and women on buildings. We are communal histories, communal books. We are not owned or monogamous in our taste or experience.” And then there's this: “...the heart is an organ of fire.”

1. Finally, we're at the number one thing that I think is sexy and/or romantic: being married to your best friend for 36 years. We've spent a small amount of the past crying, arguing, being mad and not talking to each other; however, most of the time has been, and will be, spent laughing and loving.

This was on top of our wedding cake just over 36 years ago. I don't think I ever really looked at their faces until I took this picture. Why aren't they smiling? They look like they're headed to the dentist for a root canal. They also look vaguely Asian; however, they've aged beautifully. Wish I could say that for myself; please refer to the old lady neck picture.

Happy Valentine's Day, Y'all

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