The Spousal Unit, AKA Paul Starr, became the luckiest man alive 36 years ago when he made me his bride. It was January 11, 1980 and it was colder than a well diggers butt. I wonder why we chose that date? I can't remember; it has been too many years. I do remember specifically saying, out loud, in 1979 that I would NEVER marry. I was a bridesmaid in two weddings the summer of '79, and on both occassions I was asked multiple times when I intended to walk down the aisle. My answer every time was NEVER with good reason. The women in my family don't have a strong track record when it comes to marriage. My great grandmother was murdered by her husband, I'm serious. My maternal grandmother was married three times. My mother was married three times. So, you can perhaps understand my hesitation to wear white. I wasn't pushing Paul to put a ring on it, so to speak; nevertheless, here we are 36 years later, and in honor of this auspicious occassion I've compiled another one of my famous top ten lists. You're probably thinking, "Oh, how sweet. She has listed the top ten things she loves about The Spousal Unit." You would be wrong. These are the top ten things he does that make me freaking crazy, in no particular order:
10. We agree not to exchange gifts, so what does he do???? He buys me a gift, and this is how he wraps it using Christmas paper.
In all seriousness, how cute is this???? I can assure you that he has no idea he wrapped my anniversary gift in Christmas wrapping paper. The wrapping is of no consequence, the fact that he always thinks of me, and always gets me a gift or three for every occassion is one of the reasons we are still married.
9. He owns approximately 3,000 baseball caps. Many of the caps are in pristine condition; yet, this is the one he chooses to wear every single solitary day.
In all honesty, I don't care that he wears this disgusting cap when he's outside. I do care about his health, and wearing this cap keeps the sun off his face which reduces the risk of skin cancer, so keep wearing it even if it does stink.
8. He has seen every episode of Air Disasters multiple times. There are days he watches Air Disasters ten times in a row. There are days that I want to hide the TV remote control from him just so he can't turn the TV on, and watch (you guessed it) Air Disasters.
I'm just so happy and so blessed that all I have to do is look to the other end of the couch to see him sitting there happily watching his 970th episode of Air Disasters. Many wives can't say that. I'm one of the lucky ones, and I know it.
7. We have a new popcorn popper. Many people call these things a microwave oven. Anyhoo, our old popcorn popper was haunted, so we had to get rid of it. Seriously, it really was haunted. It would just turn itself on for no reason, but then when we really wanted to use it, it would refuse to work. Our new machine is fancy, a little too fancy if you ask me. You have to hit the stop/clear button or it will make the most irritating high-pitched noise you have ever heard. I've told The Spousal Unit approximately 496 times to always hit the stop/clear button. Does he do it? NO. Can he hear the irritating high-pitched noise? NO. Does it bother him? NO.
His hearing ain't what it used to be, and mine isn't either; however, that's not a bad thing because now we can call each other nasty names (under our breaths) and not get our feelings hurt.
6. I never claimed to be a neat and tidy person; he married me anyway. This is the table located next to my spot on the couch. It's always a mess, and I could give two shits; however, it bothers him. It really bothers him. It bothers me that it bothers him. That's all I have to say about that.
Thank God he is not a slob. If left to my own devices we would live in a hovel.
5. Two people live in this house, and we have one toaster. Every afternoon I stumble out of bed to make myself some toast, and this is what it looks like. I don't eat burnt toast; that's disgusting. Why do I have to adjust the toaster setting every single day? He claims no responsibility. I guess the toaster is also haunted.
He goes to work several mornings per week to earn us money to buy bread to burn. I do not work, so I will shut up.
4. He is obsessed with this man (we call him Creepy Keith) and the stories he tells of murder and mayhem. I'm glad I'm not paranoid.
Do you have any idea how many husbands kill their wives? It's a lot, a real lot. It happened in my own family. I'm sure The Spousal Unit would like to kill me at times, but I'm still here so I must be doing something right.
3. Does one have to have a vagina in order to change the toilet paper roll? Me thinks so. I can't tell you how many times I've sat down, glanced to my left, and seen this.
Just like with the toaster, he claims no responsibility.
2. We love to eat, and that means that there's always lots of food in the fridge. It gets really crowded in there, so what does The Spousal Unit do: he drinks all but two swallows of water, and then puts the bottle back in the crowded fridge. ARGH.
Okay, I'll admit it; there's waaay worse things he could be doing than this.
1. My heart stops when he goes through his "Lets Clean Out The DVR" phase. It's really funny how we don't have room to save MY programs; however, there's always room for HIS programs.
We have traveled the world in our 36 years, and seen some amazing places; however, I'm just as snug as a bug in a rug sitting on the couch watching Creepy Keith or the millionth Air Disasters episode as long as he is sitting next to me for the next 36 years.
Happy Anniversary to The Spousal Unit