Stop wringing your hands, and clutching your pearls about what to get me for Christmas. You can calm down now because I've finally compiled my Second Annual Wish List. I know I'm late with this and I'm sorry, but you still have time to spend massive amounts of money on me if you get right to it. Don't dawdle. I've spent copious amounts of time and energy compiling this list. You are most welcome.
If you know me at all then you know of my love of Barbie and all Barbie related things. Last year, I found my old Ken doll in the bottom of a cobweb infested box in the attic. Of course, it was a total surprise to me, and Barbie, as we were under the impression he'd gone out for a pack of smokes in 1970 and just got lost. Unfortunately, due to approximately 45 years in the attic, he is no longer able to bend any of his joints which, as you can imagine, is quite uncomfortable. With that thought in mind, and with Barbie's best interest at heart, I'd love a bendable Ken from the Sears Wish Book circa 1970. I'm not sure how you're going to pull this off, but with enough money and effort I'm sure you can get it done as you don't want to disappoint either myself or Barbie.
Good hygiene is important. That's a statement I think we can all agree on, so you'll probably want to buy two Shiney Hiney Personal Cleaning Kits -- one for me and one for you. As a matter of fact, it's probably a good idea to buy several because this ain't the kind of thing you are going to want to share with friends and family, if ya know what I mean. Plus, if you spend over $50 then the shipping cost is free. It's really a win-win situation for everyone. Don't forget to buy me the lightening cream as well. It costs a little extra, but I'm worth it. Be sure to watch the video when you click on the link that will take you to the Shiney Hiney website.
I have impeccable taste which is why I simply can't live without this beautiful toilet seat cover with matching rug and tissue box cover. Nothing says "Merry Christmas" more than Santa's jolly face on the toilet. amirite? For all males (all three of you, including The Spousal Unit) who are reading this: please don't pee on Santa's belt buckle. Santa hates that and so do I. Simply click here to put a little class in my bathroom and a smile on my face.
You'll probably notice with this selection that I have a bit of a theme going here. This is a lovely print, professionally hand-stretched on fine canvas from Nordstrom and it's only $195.00 which is a bargain in my book. It will look awesome in my master bathroom, and more importantly The Spousal Unit can look at it on the rare occasion when he actually changes the toilet paper roll, and he'll be able to do it THE CORRECT WAY. I know this may seem ridiculous to some of you, but just know that many marriages have ended over far less trivial stuff than this. If you want to save my marriage, click here and spend the $195.00.
I have always wanted to crack the whip so to speak, and now I can for only $535.00 (NOT $5.35 but five hundred thirty five dollars) thanks to my good pal, Gwyneth Paltrow. I found this whip on her website called Goop. I plan to use the whip on The Spousal Unit (wait for it) when he pees on Santa's belt buckle.
Who doesn't love The Golden Girls? And, who wouldn't love to own a set of The Golden Girls granny panties? I'd like to own the entire set featuring the faces of Dorothy, Rose, Sophia, and Blanche, but at $160 for all four panties, you might just want to buy me the crotch-less Blanche panties for only around $38. That's a real bargain, and will make a perfect stocking stuffer for me. There's just one problem. Apparently, the panties are no longer available on Etsy. That means you're going to have to get busy and do some major searching if you're going to find these in time to make me happy on Jesus' birthday.
In keeping with The Golden Girls theme, I'd like this awesome sweater if you can't locate The Golden Girls panties for me; however, the panties AND THE SWEATER would really be ideal.
Check it out here. I'll need an XXL.
I've spent the better part of four decades trying to create the perfect smoky eye. It hasn't happened yet, but I just know my life will be instantly better if I can only get my hands on enough cosmetics. Forget world peace and curing cancer. Let's focus on getting me contoured makeup brushes, $250 mascara, and eye shadow in all the colors. My eyebrows could use some work too, so please don't forget the eyebrow gel. Here's a good place to start spending.
The CD of the Hamilton Mixtape has finally dropped and it's already out of stock. How does that happen? I tried to order it the instant I heard it was available, but I was already too late. I call BULLSHIT. Surely you can use your vast connections, resources, and money to obtain this for me if you really, really, really love me. I don't actually care about presents 10 through 3 if only you get me THIS present, and make sure it's the version with the parental advisory sticker, please.
I received a vegetable steamer for Christmas last year, but what I asked for on my 2015 Wish List was a vaginal steamer. There IS a difference; A BIG DIFFERENCE, believe me. I was beyond disappointed that I wasn't able to "reconnect with the powerful, creative energy of my womanly center." Now, come on. Why would you deny me that? PLUS, according to the Vibrant Souls website, the steamer can also reduce symptoms of menopause. God, Santa and The Spousal Unit, knows that I could greatly benefit from reducing menopause symptoms so y'all get on this right away and let me start "living my bliss." Time's a wastin'.