- Jerry Richards (guest author)
Splanin the Blues
Hi kids, it's Dana AKA Lady Sweet Escape with a little story written by Jerry Richards, a Facebook friend of mine. I've never actually met the man, but he did give me permission to use his very funny and enlightening essay about the blues. I love blues music. I'm a fan of most types of music. I listen to everything from Lil Wayne to Willie Nelson to Billie Holiday. One of my favorite groups is Alabama Shakes. Their lead singer is Brittany Howard, who is pictured here. In my humble opinion she has one of the best blues voices I've ever heard. Many people compare her sound to Janis Joplin and that's very accurate. When Brittany sings you can hear in her voice that she ain't got money to make the rent payment this month, her low-down cheatin' boyfriend just left her for another woman and her old truck just broke down. Anyway, it's best to enjoy this tale while sipping some brown alcohol, taking the occasional drag off a cigarette and listening to the lonely sound of a train whistle way off in the distance.
If you're new to blues music, or like it but never really understood the whys and wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules: 1. Most blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..." 2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town." 3. The blues lyrics are simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes - sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound." 4. The blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch..ain't no way out. 5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die. 6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.. Adults sing the blues. In the blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis . 7. The blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada . Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago , St. Louis , Kansas City, Memphis , and Nawlins are still the best places to have the blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain. 8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is 9. You can't have no blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster 10. Good places for the blues: a. Highway b. Jailhouse c. Empty bed d. Bottom of a whiskey glass 11. Bad places for the Blues: a. Nordstrom's b. Gallery openings c. Ivy League institutions d. Golf courses 12. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person and you slept in it. 13. Do you have the right to sing the blues? Yes, if: a. you're older than dirt; b. you're blind; c. you shot a man in Memphis ; d. you can't be satisfied. No, if: a. you have all your teeth; b. you were once blind but now can see; c. the man in Memphis lived; or d. you have a 401K or trust fund 14. The blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues 15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other acceptable blues beverages are: a. cheap wine b. whiskey or bourbon c. muddy water d. black coffee The following are NOT blues beverages: a. Perrier b. Chardonnay c. Snapple d. Slim Fast 16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction. 17. Some blues names for women: a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie d. Fat River Dumpling 18. Some blues names for men: a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Big Willie 19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis . 20. Blues Name Starter Kit: a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Peach, etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example: a. Blind Lemon Jefferson b. Pegleg Lime Johnson c. Cripple Peach Fillmore 21. I don't care how tragic your life is: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues, period. (DAMN)