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  • Writer's pictureDana Starr

Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town

Well folks, Christmas is right around the corner, and ya know what that means: you gotta haul your cookies to the mall and buy a bunch of crap nobody wants or needs. It's a horrible feeling, just aimlessly wandering around trying to find that perfect, unique gift which will not cost too much, but which will express your love and heartfelt sentiment to the recipient. Does your uncle need another bottle of cologne? Does your sister-in-law already own a crock-pot? Would it be tacky to wrap a carton of Marlboros in bright red paper, give it to your brother, and call it good?

I don't know about you, but Christmas just makes me tired. Simply thinking about it makes me want to take a nap, a long nap which will last the entire month of December. I just know you are wracking your brain trying to think of something special to buy me this year, so in an effort to ease your burden here's a list of the Top Ten Gifts On Dana's Wish List, and you are welcome.

It's a vaginal steamer. No, not a vegetable steamer, but a vaginal steamer. I kid you not, and it's only $55.00 from Vibrant Souls.

It's a ball maker. Yes, it makes a perfectly round ball of ice to keep your beverage of choice cool AND because of science it will melt slowly so as not to water down your drink for a mere $399.99 from Sharper Image.

It's a stainless steel condom dispenser for $42.00 (without the condoms) from Canoe AND it's sold out, but you can put my name on their list, and when they get more in stock they'll let me know. I have no need of condoms; however, I intend to use it as a moist towelette dispenser.

The personal day spa from Hammacher Schlemmer, a bargain at only $8,000.00. This thing does errythang but cook for you. The reason I want to own it is because "it delivers a full-body vibration massage that relaxes tense, over-worked muscles and joints from your shoulders to your ankles." You just gotta know I have LOTS of tense, over-worked muscles and joints from all the work I do around here. BAHAHAHAHA. Oh, and don't forget to pay the shipping charge which is only $230.

Yep, it's cat poop jewelry and I'm thinking it would make a perfect stocking stuffer. Of course, it would also make a perfect gag gift. I love gag gifts. I know some people consider a gag gift to be a waste of money, but if it makes you laugh then really is it a waste of money??? I think not. I have no idea how to order these; however, for next to no money you could just make your own.

Food is ALWAYS a good gift for me, because if you haven't noticed I'm all about eating, so these ugly Christmas sweater cookies are absolutely perfect. They are too cute to actually eat, plus they are made out of gingerbread, which I don't really like, so I wouldn't be tempted to eat them. I would just look at them and smile. These are from Harry and David and they are $59.99, not including shipping, for eight cookies, and while I'm no math genius, I think that's kind of expensive, but I'm worth it. Really, I am.

You can NEVER go wrong with vintage porn like this old paperback book I found for less than two dollars at an antique store in Fredricksburg, Texas. It was written and published in the mid-'40s and it's hysterical. Any time you have a chance to buy vintage porn, do it.

I want an authentic Faberge egg. Since that's not possible, a replica will make a classy stocking stuffer, much classier than cat poop jewelry. This one is available on Amazon for the very reasonable price of $71.99, not including shipping. It's called the Minishka egg, and I like the sound of that. I can add it to my collection of Tiny Treasures, and it will be one more thing that never gets dusted in my house.

I LOVE food and I LOVE tiny things, so tiny fake food is perfect. I found these tiny fake macaroons on the internet, but I have no idea how to order this. All I know is I MUST HAVE THIS to make my life complete.

Moisturizing toe alignment socks, where have you been all my life???? These are $59.99, not including shipping, from Sharper Image. These will make your feet feel pampered, revitalized, and refreshed AND if you buy these for me then you will NOT need to buy me the personal day spa because according to Sharper Image if you have these then you don't need the spa. Basically, buy these and save damn near $8,000.

Okay, what are you waiting for??? Get busy buyin' cause that's what Christmas is all about. Right?

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