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  • Writer's pictureDana Starr

Two For The Price Of One

There have only been a few times in the 56 years I've been on this earth that I've been ruined to the degree that I was ruined by the season seven premiere of The Walking Dead. The first time was when I learned where babies actually come from. Here's a hint: it's not the stork. The second time was when my mother allowed me to see The Exorcist. I broke her firm resolve with days and days and days of world-class whining; however, it backfired on me because to this day I have nightmares about that movie. The third time was when Donnie Osmond got married to NOT me. Each of those events resulted in me hugging a kitty really, really tightly and rocking back and forth with tears streaming down my face. I didn't have access to a kitty during/after the season seven premiere, so I did the next best thing: I ate an entire box of mac and cheese by myself. By the way, I'm still comfort eating and it's been well over a week since I saw the episode. Please don't judge me.

I don't ordinarily wait so long to post my recap, but I needed those days to decompress and get some perspective and eat tons of chocolate. I'm going to write this from memory because I simply CANNOT WATCH THE EPISODE AGAIN. Here we go: Negan has incredibly nice, straight, white teeth. Do ya s'pose lots of dental hygienists made it unscathed through the zombie apocalypse? Anyhoo, I bet he flosses when he's not busy brutally killing people. Oh, and he also has dimples, well-groomed facial hair, and a bit of a sense of humor. Whatcha think 'bout that? An attractive villain who kills with a barbed-wire-wrapped baseball bat named Lucille. I certainly hope he's a better villain than The Governor was because frankly that dood bored me in fairly short order. I appreciate a multi-layered villain. Hopefully, that's what we're getting this time. We shall see.

I can't help but think about The Wizard of Oz when I think about Negan. Wait, WUUUT????? Let me explain: Even as a child, I could never understand why The Wicked Witch of the West was allowed to be a bitch. When Dorothy inadvertently threw water on her and she melted, EVERYONE, including the flying monkeys, cheered and rejoiced. Did it occur to no one to kill the bitch before Dorothy showed up and did it accidentally??? I think it will be the same scenario with Negan. Of course, I could be wrong. It wouldn't be the first time; please refer to The Exorcist reference above. We shall see.

Okay, I've put this off long enough. After about 17 minutes of bullshit (yes, I timed it) we finally find out who dies. It's The Ginger (AKA Abraham) and I was surprised. I figured it would be one of the less prominent characters like Aaron. I was wrong, AGAIN. It was a brutal beating, but I had to laugh because the last thing Abraham says to Negan is "suck my nuts." That was so Abraham and I loved it.


It was a relief when the beating was over. Finally, I could relax and just chill during the rest of the show. OH HELL NO. There's no relaxing during TWD. No sooner had I caught my breath from the beating when THERE WAS ANOTHER BEATING. I didn't expect a second beating which is just one of the reasons I was devastated when Negan obliterated Glenn. I'll do ya a favor and not go into all the gory details, but I have to tell ya what Glenn said to Maggie seconds before he died. He said, "Maggie, I'll find you." That was so Glenn and I loved it even though I was in just as much shock as the day in elementary school when, during recess, I heard Sherry, Abby, and Diane whispering about how to make a baby while I was hanging upside down on the monkey bars.

A bunch of other stuff happened: Rick was going to chop off part of Carl's arm at Negan's direction, and Rick was blubbering so hard about it that he actually blew a snot bubble out his nose before Negan relented. Carl is spared for now, but Rick and what's left of the gang are now the property of Negan, and they must provide for him and his people. Also, Negan is now in possession of Daryl in a scene that had oddly sexual undertones. I just hate it when the gang is split up. I want them to all be together in the happily ever after. We shall see.

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