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  • Writer's pictureDana Starr

The World According to Trump

August 12, 2017

Four hours of sleep is more than enough for me; however, I'm still extremely upset with The Sun for rising and waking me, The Dana, before I'm fully ready to face the day. Seriously, how dare The Sun be that presumptuous. The Sun owes The Dana an apology, and I will not rest until I get it. I will sue if necessary. This afternoon, I'll meet with my people (AKA The Little People) to discuss strategy for suing The Sun, and possibly for suing The Dog down the street who also dares interrupt my sleep with its infuriating barking. I'm sure The Dog is a female (AKA a bitch) and hormonal and has blood coming out of her - wherever. Plus, she's fat and not attractive and I shouldn't be subjected to that nonsense. All dogs should be thin, young, cute and quite, as should all female human beings (other than me, of course).

It's 9 in the morning and already eleventy-hundred degrees when I go outside. Another reason to sue The Sun. I'm sweating like a whore in church and my glorious hair is flat as a pancake. I have pit stains the size of dinner plates under my arms. Why did I even bother to shower? That's 10 minutes I'll never get back. That's 10 minutes I could've been bankrupting another one of my companies, berating one of The Little People or trolling for a much younger husband.

Could this day get any worse? At the grocery store, the unattractive person sacking my groceries kept looking me in the eyes. As if that weren't enough, it dared to question me. How dare it question me, The Dana. Who does it think it is? "Paper or plastic?" it asked me. I was incensed. Why was I being subjected to this unfair questioning? Were other shoppers also being questioned? I demand an answer or an apology or "you're fired," I bellow at the grocery sacker. My God, that sacker should be grateful that I let it touch my mayonnaise and toilet paper and Mountain Dew. Why must I suffer these indignities? After all, I have a great relationship with the sackers. All the sackers flirt with me consciously or unconsciously. That's to be expected, after all I am The Dana.

Does the world not know how special I am? Is every single person on this planet, besides me, just an idiot? Clearly, that's the case. Just like the idiot at the gym this afternoon. He was using the leg press, and I just walked right up to the idiot and told him to get the hell off my machine. I'm The Dana and I wait for no man. "Besides, you are a fat pig," I told him. Of course, I'm a fat pig too, but I'm also The Dana and I can say whatever I want to say because my bluntness is refreshing.

Why, oh why, can't the whole world be like me? If you aren't like me then maybe I'll just build a wall and I'll stay on my side and you can stay on your side. That's the ticket. Well, wait a minute. The people who would build the wall aren't actually on my side of the wall. That could be a problem because there is no way in hell I'm building a wall by myself in this heat. Damn, The Sun is screwing up my life again. The Sun is such a loser. I am personally offended by The Sun. I'd be a better sun than The Sun. If it weren't for me we wouldn't even be talking about The Sun.

I could really use a nap before my meeting with The Little People. I get even crankier when I'm sleep deprived. I could always just hire some idiot to nap for me. Of course, the idiot would probably screw it up. I hate idiots and dogs and the gym and The Sun, but everybody loves me because I tell it like it is and that's so refreshing.

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