I Could Use a Cigarette

Alrighty then, I got my peanut butter crackers and my diet peach Snapple and I'm good to go. I wish I had a bottle of Riesling and a huge supreme pizza, but that would require me to leave my house, which would require me to put on my bra, and that just ain't gonna happen. It's Tuesday night, and I can't believe I haven't watched TWD yet. I'm so far behind on my TV watching, and it's really stressing me out.

Anyhoo, here we go: there's a young girl hanging out the side of a stalled vehicle and here come da walkers. Dang, the young girl's parents are already walker food and the show hasn't even been going 30 seconds. Now, the girl is walking alone in the rain. She hides behind something and writes JSS in the dirt with her finger. Is that her initials? Now, she's hiding in an abandoned car, and writes JSS in the dirt on the window of the car. She spots a turtle, kills it and eats it. She's resourceful and hungry. Using turtle bones, she spells out JSS. What's that all about? She can hear voices and laughter coming from the community. She's approaching the gate with much trepidation. What's she gonna do? She writes JSS in the grime on the back of her hand and walks through the gate. Cue the awesome theme music.

And we're back. Carol is in the storage room with several other women. She's picking out groceries, and telling one of the women (named Michelle) that she'll teach her how to make pasta with her own two hands if only Shell will promise to stop smoking because it's disgusting (WORD) and it kills you and there are too many things trying to kill Shell anyway. Now, Carol is telling the little boy who loves cookies to just deal with the fact that his dad is dead. Carol ain't playin'.

Blonde lady wants to give her teenage son a haircut which he doesn't want. He says it's bullshit. Maggie is talking to politician lady, and her hillbilly accent is so strong I can barely understand her. It seems she wants to plant veggies. Politician lady is gonna help her. Eugene AKA mullet guy just said, "It hams my biscuits." BAHAHAHAHAHA. OMG ... there's a new actress on here who used to be a nurse on Nurse Jackie and now she is Denise on TWD and she's a psychiatrist who will be the new town doctor since the old town doctor is now six feet under. WOW, this actress is having an amazing career, especially for a woman who is not a size 2. Big props to her. AND, I see a potential love match between Eugene and Denise. Their children would be super nerds, but the world needs more super nerds.

Priest dude is telling Carl that he wants to "help" and I'm not sure what that means and I don't like that priest dude. I love, love, love Carol's kitchen countertop. She just put a casserole in the oven. Now she's looking out the window and she sees Shell smoking in the yard across the street. Damn, a fat man with a machete kills Shell in broad daylight. I didn't see that comin'.

The community is under attack. There's confusion and chaos and smoke and blood. It's not walkers attacking. It's probably "The Wolves." Well, there's the teenage girl who was writing her initials on everythang, and Carl is letting her in his house while the attack is going on. Carol just killed one of the bad guys. Oh snap, now she had to kill one of her friends. Was it a mercy killing? WTH???? Lots and lots of people are dying, and now a big truck crashes into the fence. The fence holds, but the truck is making the honking noise that led the walkers off the path in last week's episode. Now, it's starting to make some sense.

Finally, Morgan stops the horn noise. Now he's gettin' into it with a "wolf" but YES YES YES, Carol knifes the wolf before he can kill Morgan. Seriously??? Morgan is telling her that she doesn't have to kill people. Is this dude for real??? Of course, she has to kill people. What's she gonna do??? Talk people to death???? She is in disguise, and she paints a W on her forehead in blood. IS SHE A BAMF OR WHAT?????!!!!! Carol has to get to the armory, so the wolves don't take their guns. Carl shoots one of the wolves. Blonde lady kills a wolf with scissors. That's gonna leave a stain on the hardwood floor.

Morgan is acting like he's Carol's prisoner, and they're able to walk right down the middle of the street. That is SO COOL. Carol is shootin' people left and right. And if she ain't shootin' em, she's knifin' em. She's a multi-talented killing machine AND she's a good cook. Morgan is really starting to piss me off. He doesn't want to kill, but they have no choice. He's just gonna keep using his stick, and talking people to death. He let a wolf get away with a gun. DUH. You just know that's gonna come back to haunt em.

Carol is sittin' on the porch all covered in blood after it's all over. She's got a cigarette. Is she gonna smoke it? I damn sure would, and I wouldn't even care if it's menthol or not. Carl is looking for the teenage girl who was writing her initials on everythang. She's not in the house, but he finds a note that she left. The note says Just Survive Somehow. Obviously, not her initials. The casserole is ready, so Carl takes it out of the oven. Morgan has to fight one more wolf. He kills him, but not before telling him that he's sorry. DUH.

That was an intense hour. Imma go smoke a cigarette now.