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  • Writer's pictureDana Starr

One Huge Petri Dish of Gross

Thank you United Airlines for giving me the only cold I've had in years. I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that sitting in the airport for five completely unnecessary hours while you attempted to get your shit together, and get a plane to Orlando, Florida is the ONLY reason why I'm currently feeling like hot garbage. You know you're in trouble when the only sounds you hear upon entering the airport are sneezing, coughing, hacking, and snot blowing. The airport I was stuck in for forever was just basically one HUGE petri dish of gross.

It's a beautiful day outside. The kind of day that singers sing about, and writers write about. I know it's a beautiful day because although I can't turn my head, without excruciating pain, I can slightly move my eyeballs and see the sun shining. I can also hear the birds singing. I should be outside right now doing something productive, while wearing my Fitbit, but NO ... HELL NO. All I'm capable of doing is sitting here in my own nastiness surrounded by dozens and dozens of used tissues. I need to get up, and get some more Kleenex, but instead, I just keep using the same one and it's beyond gross. Okay, I'll admit it; I'm not even using Kleenex because I ran out of that fancy stuff 24 hours ago. Now, I'm just basically using toilet paper, and I've also used the edge of the blanket I'm currently wrapped in. I don't care. I'm just one HUGE petri dish of gross.

Why are you still reading this???? Haven't I grossed you out enough???? Apparently not. Well, okay then please help me answer these top ten cold questions:

10. How is it possible for my left nostril to be blockage free, but my right nostril is full of cement (AKA snot)?

9. Is food supposed to have a taste?

8. When St. Peter turns me away at the pearly gates; I'll have to spend eternity roasting in hell; will I be doomed to be freezing cold until that time?

7. Does dropping acid make you feel as spacey as having a cold?

6. Why do I feel like I've been hit by a freight train even though I haven't been off the couch in 48 hours?

5. Have you ever sneezed so hard that you tinkled just a little bit?

4. Have you ever coughed so hard that you tinkled just a little bit?

3. Do you know if the Guiness Book of Records has a category for the most mucus production?

2. Do you know that the official description of mucus is a slippery secretion according to Wikipedia?

1. Does it register on the Fitbit when I sneeze, cough, blow my nose, or tinkle on myself?

Okay, that's it. If you can answer any of those questions, or if you can tell me how to conquer this cold, please email me or message me on Facebook or text me or send up some smoke signals. Oh, and by the way, stay away from all huge petri dishes of gross.

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