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  • Writer's pictureDana Starr

I Need a Vacation From My Vacation

I'm leaving for a vacation in two days. The thought of a vacation seems ridiculous to me as my life is already a vacation, so I guess I'm taking a vacation from my vacation. I know, I know; you hate me, but it's really hard work being me, so I deserve all these vacations. Of course, I'm totally unprepared. I always do this. I always wait until the very last second to get shit done. I've known about this vacation for a long time, but that doesn't mean I've done anything about it. I have done one thing: I've spent hours trying to decide if I need to pack a big thing of hairspray or a small thing or no thing. I'm still undecided.

Here's a list of all the things I need to do in the next two days:

Fix the broken strap on my backpack ... NOT done.

Get my bangs cut by a professional or take the toenail scissors and do it myself ... NOT done.

Check for chin hairs ... NOT done.

Shave my legs which are less hairy than my chin ... partially done.

Stop the mail ... NOT done.

Eat all the fruit and other perishables in the house ... partially done.

Disregard the eating and lose 58 pounds ... NOT done.

Get a fresh mani/pedi ... NOT done.

Update this website for my three followers ... partially done.

Obtain new glasses I can actually see out of, and which do not make me look like a slightly pissed off high school vice principal ... NOT done.

Buy additional granny panties ... partially done.

Buy completely new, chic wardrobe ... NOT done.

Learn French, Italian, and German ... NOT done.

Choose one pair of black pants, from the 48 pair I own, to pack for the trip ... NOT done.

Make the toilet in the master bathroom stop running and flushing by itself ... NOT done.

Remove all weird things from the house so house sitter will not be too creeped out ... partially done.

Download some more zombie apocalypse books on my iPad ... NOT done.

Download more movies and music as I must be entertained 24/7 like a 3-year-old ... partially done.

Finish watching current season of OITNB ... partially done.

This is a very do-able list. I'm going to get busy right now by eating some more perishables. There's a box of fudgesicles in the freezer which might possibly go bad, so I'll start with that. Also, I've decided no hairspray because I'm just gonna cut off all my hair with the toenail scissors. Problem solved.

Here's some pictures from my "vacation from my vacation" last year because I know how much you just love looking at other people's vacation pictures. I left out the picture where I was puking on the lawn of the Irish castle because It wasn't my best angle. I don't normally puke on lawns at Irish castles; however, I had a bit of the stomach flu that was lingering from the night before. That's my story, and I'm stickin' to it.

Home away from home in Villefranche-sur-Mer, France overlooking the bay.

I wish I'd stolen this cool pillow from The Shelbourne in Dublin, Ireland.

Partial makeshift memorial inside grotto near the Cliffs of Moher. This place was so creepy/cool. Our driver, the awesome Gerry, insisted that we see it, and he also took us to a very old cemetery right by the sea, and he also loaned me his jacket so I wouldn't freeze to death at the Cliffs of Moher, and he didn't even get mad when I kind of, just a little bit, lost my cookies (so to speak) in his van.

Part of the Cliffs of Moher. It was a little bit of a hike, and I ain't gonna lie, it wasn't so easy what with all my fatness and my hangover/stomach flu, but I ain't no quitter, and I'm super glad I got out of the van and had a look.

I'm such an idiot; I should've bought this cool little sign in the gift shop at the cliffs.

This is a tiny part of Dromoland Castle where we stayed in County Clare, Ireland. I left a bit of me near those hedges for feck's sake.

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