The Crumb Buffet
This is my final round entry in the NYC Midnight 500-Word Contest.
Genre: open.
Action: calling off a wedding.
Object: fishnet.
Word Count: 500 or less.
Synopsis: Love is like an all-you-can-eat buffet; it's sometimes great, sometimes gross, sometimes just okay. You can take it or leave it, but don't settle for just okay.
My mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother all said, “I do.” Soon, I’ll say the same.
Melody, Hillary, and Louise were married a total of seven times between them. That happens when you’re only offered crumbs. No matter how many times they went to the crumb buffet, they weren’t satisfied. A feast wasn’t required, but a thimbleful of what they craved only made them hungrier.
Louise, my great-grandmother, wasn’t offered the take-it-or-leave-it option. My mentally ill great-grandfather shot and killed her before turning the gun on himself. My grandmother, Hillary, became an orphan that day.
My only picture of Louise hangs in the hallway. She’s wearing a simple cotton dress, standing next to her killer. The photo was taken on their wedding day. He looks satisfied. She has an emptiness in her unhappy eyes that haunts me.
My hand cramped from addressing wedding invitations. Cody couldn’t help. He was too busy. He’s a hardworking people person. As the captain of his own charter fishing vessel, he has the perfect job for his fun personality. Being with him is like eating dessert first.
Even Mom and my stepdad love him. They didn’t bat an eye when Cody moved in with me. A year later, Melody and Eddie, the only father figure I’ve ever known, hosted an engagement party for us. I never told them Cody drank too much that night. It’s only happened a few times since then.
My phone rang. “Hello.”
“Hi, Babe. What’re you doing?” Cody asked.
“Looking for stamps for our wedding invitations.”
“I’m sorry. I forgot you asked me to buy more.”
“That’s okay. Bring them when you come home.”
“Well, I just agreed to a charter for first thing in the morning. I’ll stay on the boat tonight since the job starts early.”
Was he slurring? Seagull cries mixed with feminine laughter in the background, followed by an uncomfortable silence.
“I thought we were going to dinner tonight,” I said in a light, non-confrontational way. I used the tone my mother and grandmother always used to avoid conflict.
“Don’t be a bitch,” he slurred, ending the call.
I walked to the garage on autopilot, pausing in the hallway in front of Louise. My eyes, reflected in the glass of the picture frame, looked like hers.
I continued to my car, put the invitations on the passenger seat, and looked in the rearview mirror. Fishing rods, a toolbox, and a large fishnet blocked my path to the post office. Irritated to the bone, I got out to move and organize Cody’s mess. In my annoyance, I trapped myself in the fishnet. Entangled, I thought about how Mom married twice before finding love in her third marriage. Grandmother never found it after three marriages. Great-grandmother died for it after one marriage.
My ancestors said, "I do" many times. I broke free from the fishnet, shouting, "I don't," many times.
Entering my house, I threw the invitations in the trash. I will not settle for more crumbs.
*****
Much to my dismay, this mostly true story didn't place in the top ten. I'd already spent the prize money in my mind. It was fun to imagine remodeling my bathroom with my winnings. It was also fun to finally make it to the final round of an NYC Midnight Contest after trying for eight long, learning years. Never let it be said that I'm a quitter. The judges' comments are below:
''The Crumb Buffet'' by Dana Starr - WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {2376} You do a great job of connecting the reader with our character by using the history of the women in her family to establish the trouble with love that seems to be their birthright. The subtle tension of Cody not helping our character with the wedding invitations foreshadows their confrontation very well, and the way that Cody belittles her even after she is so careful to avoid offending him in any way on the phone captures the toxic dynamic of their relationship perfectly. And the climactic build up of the picture of Louise sparking something in our character that blooms into her standing up for herself and calling off the wedding with Cody delivers an emotionally satisfying sense that our character has finally broken the cycle. {1943} 'The Crumb Buffet' was a fascinating story. I really liked the way that you showed the generational experience with marriage. The revelation that Louise's husband had shot her was startling and deeply disturbing. I liked the image of her in the picture, with the emptiness in her eyes. The way that the girl saw the same look in her own eyes was very poignant. I loved the way that she got tangled in the net yet broke free, which was wonderfully symbolic. I really liked the ending, and the way that she declared "I don't." This was a powerful ending to a compelling story. Well done. {1689} I love … ONE—how your Main Character (MC) reflects on marriage in her family history as a way to understand her own (painful, authentic capture of how domestic violence crosses generations; well done) …TWO—how Cody’s “playful” nature is tied into drunkenness, perhaps addiction, that makes him irresponsible and mean, something that it takes the MC a long time to affirm because he “charms” everyone around him (strong portrait of the cycle of abuse gets started because we doubt our assessment of “reality”; strong choice to have the MC figure it out BEFORE the wedding). {2253} This is such a captivating story! I really enjoyed this unique premise of a character who looks at the history of her mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother's relationships to compare her own relationship and her own future and marriage. This is great! Further the story does a really great job of raising the stakes to really build the suspense for the reader. Specifically, even though the reader sees all the negative aspects to this person's relationship with Cody, they also understand what she's giving up by calling off the wedding given that she labels being with him akin to "eating dessert first." By offering the description of what she likes most about him, the reader understands what she stands to lose when she's deciding whether she wants to call off the wedding. This is great! Great job crafting a very engaging and very tension-filled story! {2320} I like the generational aspect to this story. It makes the narrator’s arc feel bigger – her decision to leave, to ‘break free,’ isn’t just about her own past and personality – she’s crawling out from under decades and generations of one way of thinking and she’s charting her own path now. The story feels ‘big’ as a result. I liked the tension in the conversation with Cody, how the narrator’s feelings and her words don’t match (“That’s okay,” “in a light, non-confrontational way”). I especially like the woman’s laughter in the background – is it a client? A passerby? An affair partner? The narrator doesn’t ask, and that tells us something. Getting physically tangled in the net was a nice metaphorical moment, a coming together of the external and internal. WHAT THEY FEEL NEEDS WORK - {2376} You've put together the pieces of a darkly funny and emotionally compelling story in the current draft, but something you might consider in a potential revision would be to simplify the opening so that our character is only focused on her mother and grandmother. While the deep history of showing us that our character is the fourth generation of woman in her family to pick the wrong man introduces a powerful sense that she is fated to be stuck with Cody, there's also a risk that taking us so far in the past might leave the reader feeling a little overwhelmed with the scope of the history in the opening lines. And if you were to reframe it so that Louise is our character's grandmother and her mother was orphaned when her father shot her, you could not only simplify the opening in a way that could draw the reader in even more easily, you could also amplify the intergenerational pain with our character being that much closer to the horrifying murder of Louise. Another idea you might consider would be for our character to offer to bring dinner to Cody on the boat before he calls her a bitch. While the fact that our character seems to be bending over backwards to avoid upsetting him shows us that she has already put up with a lot to get this close to marriage, something you might try would be to have her suggest that she bring him dinner as a subtle way of breaking up whatever it is he is up to with the woman in the background – a suggestion that is framed as a generous offer but that shows the reader that our character is not going to take Cody's behavior lying down as we build towards her breaking things off with him. {1943} I wondered if the next step in your writing might be to look at where you could show details more often, rather than telling us. For example, you told us "Soon, I'll say the same." Later, we learned that she was writing the invitations. Could you show this here instead, so that we see her situation rather than being told about it? I also wasn't sure that you needed to tell us that she spoke "in a light, non-confrontational way". Could you show us something that she did instead, for example, a mannerism? Perhaps you could then relate that to her mother, rather than telling us that this was a tone used to avoid conflict? {1689} Now a couple of ideas to explore. Embrace what inspires you and ignore the rest … ONE—Terrific portrait of how “charm” obscures abuse. Now look for ways to raise the stakes. Small thing, but name the MC near the top … TWO—Streamline the build to Cody breaking their dinner date. I think you can cut the “history” in half without sacrificing its importance and so get the crisis with Cody by the midpoint. I love that his “abuse” takes a different form, not murderous but manipulative and cruel. Hang onto that. However, strongly consider letting this conversation happen in person. I also love that MC says I DON’T. But make that a lot harder for her to get to (a strong mix of what you already have; her listening to others tell her that Cody is a “great guy” and Cody indirectly manipulating her to stay. I do love that she has to hide her intention and just leave. Hang onto that. Strong premise for a novel that I hope you will write, perhaps for YA. Keep working on it. Good luck. {2253} This story would benefit from a bit more emotionality from the protagonist when she's thinking about Cody being "busy" and a "hardworking people person." This is written matter-of-factly, though I wonder if there could be more insight into how she feels about this. Does she love this about him because she finds this hard to find in a person? Or does she think this sarcastically because she doesn't think he actually works that hard and his people pleasing is more of an act? Demonstrating how she feels about him when describing him in this way would help the reader better connect with her character and would offer a hint around her lack of excitement in their relationship. To make space to include this emotionality within the limited word count, I would suggest removing the detail about the protagonist's mother and stepdad loving Cody and how they "didn't bat an eye" when she and Cody moved in together. This detail is not crucial to moving the central plot of the story forward and, for that reason, the word count would be better used to instead offer more emotionality when the protagonist is thinking about Cody as a "hardworking people person." {2320} I wonder if you might want to reduce the cast of characters so we can get to know them better. Right now, we have three ancestors – the great grandmother who was killed by her husband, the serially divorced grandmother who never found love, and the mother who tried “twice before finding love in her third marriage.” I would suggest moving everyone down one slot – have the grandmother have been killed (the memory is fresher, more raw. The narrator’s own mother’s father committed the crime, impacted her life). Have the mother be the serial divorcer. And cut the ancestor who did eventually find love – the problem with that character is that she has already broken the pattern. While her journey and the narrator’s journeys are different (the mother kept trying until it worked while the narrator breaks free before the failure), it undercuts the power of the narrator’s role in the story. The mother already broke the pattern of misery by finding a good guy. The narrator’s arc doesn’t hit quite as powerfully as a result. I do wonder, though, if the homicide-suicide might be clashing with this idea of settling for crumbs. It’s on the extreme end of bad marriages to a degree that feels out of step with what the previous paragraph was saying. There’s a tonal mismatch there. I also wonder if you might want to make Cody’s negative attributes more subtle, more insidious. The narrator doesn’t want to accept crumbs anymore. That means she doesn’t want to accept a half present man, a lazy man, a cold man, etc. A miserable future should leak through the seams. Right now, his cruelty is suddenly in your face (“‘Don’t be a bitch,’ he slurred”) that it makes the narrator’s decision incredibly clear (and thus there’s no tension, no interesting narrative question, pulling the reader forward). I would suggest you be as restrained with Cody as possible to emphasize the narrator’s decision not to settle for crumbs. That one line makes Cody come across as worse than settling right now. He’s worse than “just okay,” and that means the story isn’t exactly exploring the themes I think it wants to (according to the synopsis).
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